fllpbonse and Gaston 

PS 635 

A FARCE-COMEDY 



Copy 1 



IN THREE ACT8. 



BY KRANK DUMONT. 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 




Tfc« fimplr* City Job PrUt, 

Cr»Bkllu iquar*. N«w Tork Citj, 

1909. 



muQ \m 






CONGRESS, 
Two Copies RiCEivto 

MAY. f2 1902 

COFVRIGHT ENTRY 

3LA88 «3r XXc No. 
COPY 3. 



TMPS C - U07215 



TO 



w 



Alphonse and Gaston* 



ACT L SCENE, THE YACHT. 



CHARACTERS IN ACT I. 

Gaston 86 1 two ^^cky French Tourists. 

Larry Finnegan, a retired Policeman and Saloonkeeper. 

Weary Walker, a Tramp, of course, and a Stowaway. 

Ura Cinch, a Promoter of Schemes to " do up " everybody. 

Broncho Crockett, a wealthy Cattle Rancher, from Texas. 

Captain of the Yacht. 

Jack Scuppers, First Mate. 

Widow Garrity, looking for a titled husband. 

Delia Garrity, her Daughter, also a seeker for titles. 

Gladys Pearlpowder, an Actress. 



SCENE— Act. I. 

Steam yacht at wharf or dock; awning over yacht's deck — arranged to be blown 
away in storm effect. Horizon at back. Gang plank from yacht's deck to stage. Set 
wharf piece across. This is to be removed at cue, and discover sea cloth. On the 
yacht's deck is seen a profile cabin, also to be removed ; mast to be pulled up, or 
tripped during squall and storm. 

Music. At rise of curtain, ladies attired as sailors, or semi-cadets, armed with 
foils or small cutlasses, come down gang plank to stage. 

Chorus— We are sailor laddies, we plough the raging main, 

We all have been to Europe, but we're sailing back again, 
To the land of Yankee Doodle, that's good enough for me, 

Where you are free to help yourself, to the best that you can see ; 
We can climb the rigging, we can reef a sail, 

We can weigh the anchor, or run into a whale ; 
For we are salty sea dogs, that's why we sail a bark, 
But really we are hoss marines, upon a jolly lark. 
Repeat first four lines for climax. 
(Can introduce hornpipe) 
(Go into fencing bout, as chorus repeats, girls lunging, parrying, and attitudes of 
fencing ad lib, crossing blades, and "a touch" for finale). 

Captain (of steamer enters down from cabin) — That's right, sailor lads, exercise 
with those blades — some day you may be called upon to defend yourselves. 

Sailors — We can defend ourselves now — do you doubt it ? (All lunge at him). 
Captain (starts back)— Hold on ! Hold on ! 
Sailors — We'll stick you for the drinks. 

Captain— No, I came near being stuck just now; if you want to stick anybody, 
there is a variety of material on this pleasure yacht, but here comes the gentleman 
who pays for it all. 
(Sailors cheer). 

Broncho Crockett (a rich Texan cattle owner, but a wild and woolly individual 
at times, enters from yacht. All salute).— Enjoy yourselves everybody. I can't get 
rid of my money fast enough. When I was a cowboy, I didn't know the value of it, 
and now that I've got cattle and money to burn, I haven't got time to count it. 
Sailors — Oh ! you're so generous. 

Broncho — I've had a trip to Europe on my own yacht — invited whom I liked, 
and had a great time — but there's no place like Texas. Soon as the yacht is fixed up 
we'll start for America (all cheer), and you can bet your boots it's the only country fit 
to be on the map. 

Ura Cinch (bunco man, schemer and promoter, enters from yacht) — Good morning, 
everybody — Mr. Crockett, the top of the morning to you — Sailors, I take off my hat to 
you— can I supply you with wives ? 
Sailors — Not on your life. 

Cinch— Captain, do you need a loving partner to share your money and make life 
a dream, or a nightmare ? 

Captain — No, I never carry any excess baggage. 

Cinch.— Mr. Crockett, how are you fixed ? Can I fix it for you to pay somebody's 
board and millinery bills for the rest of your life ? 



ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 



Bkoncho — When the right one comes along, I'll lasso her, brand her, put a 
maverick on her, corral her, and fatten her up for the general round up. (laughs). 
But not for the beef trust. 

Cinch — Let me supply a wife for you. That's my business, getting people into 
matrimony, and getting them out of it again — I'm a matrimonial agent, I issue mar- 
riage certificates, with divorce coupons attached. Mr. Crockett, let me give you a 
sample of my goods. 

Broncho— I'll get my own material, see ? 

Cinch — (imitates) I'll get my own material, see? (Sees Crockett's anger, and 
subsides, and bows to him). Now, here's a catch for some rich girl— here is manly 
beauty and wealth combined. He took the first prize at the beauty show. 

Larry Finnegan — (enters from yacht, and bows to everybody). How is it I 
wasn't woke up in time for breakfast ? I'll have to live on the smell of tar and salt 
water for the rest of the day, I suppose. 

Broncho— I suppose you will. Get up when you're called, or you don't eat. 
( to capt. ) Come along, Captain, we must hurry the repairs on the yacht, and start off 
quick as possible. 

Larry — Ye can't lave these foreign places any too soon to suit me — I'd rather be 
sea sick than stay here. 

Broncho — We start in an hour. There's a storm brewing, but we may escape it. 
(exits with Capt., R1E.) 

Larry — It would be my luck to get the worst of it. (Song by Finnegan)- 

(Sailors enter B. and L), 

(Julia Garrity and her daughter, and Soubrette, enter from yacht. Cinch runs up, 
and offers his arm to them— Larry does the same, but the ladies accept Cinch— who 
gives Larry the laugh, and he retires in disgust). 

Widow — What a lovely day for a promenade on the water, where the little smelts 
are swimming along with the dried codfish and the red herrings. 

Larry — (aside). Two sunfish in company with a sucker. (Tries to flirt with 
ladies). 

Widow— (To Cinch). Who is that horrible looking man, with his face full of 
countenance, and the complexion of a fried egg ? (meaning Larry). 

Cinch— A very rich man, owner of Blarney Castle, and Lakes of Killarney, and 
half of the Atlantic Ocean. 

Widow— He's not so homely ; if he'd only wear his face upside down, then he'd 
look better. 

Delia — You know the old adage, Beauty is only skin deep. 

Widow — He ought to be skinned as deep as possible. 

Delia— Mr. Cinch, we want an introduction. (Larry glad, thinks they mean him). 

Widow — Yes, we want an introduction to — to (Larry joyful). 

Delia — To the French gentlemen, Alphonse and Gaston. (Larry falls flat). 

Widow — (To Cinch). Did you hear anything drop ? 

Cinch — Nothing of any consequence. 

Larry — I'll kill those two frog eating Frenchmen, (rises). 

Cinch— I'll find out their rank. 

Larry — They're rank enough — they smell of garlic and onions a mile off. 

Delia — Oh, mamma, buy me a Duke or a Prince ? 

Widow — I want an Emperor or Sultan myself — don't forget that. 

Cinch — You shall have noblemen, I swear it. 

Larry — Why wasn't I born a Duke or King of Ireland, instead of being a cop, 
then a saloonkeeper, a plain citizen, and a Democrat. 

Widow— As soon as you have ascertained their rank introduce me, and present 
your bill. I'll liquidate it, with voracity. Come along, Delia, we'll ramble on the 



ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 



fifty cent deck — the quarter deck is too cheap for your mamma. (Bows to Cinch, 
ignores Larry, Cinch escorts them to yacht's deck, bowing. Larry imitates it to imagin- 
ary ladies ; ladies exit into cabin). 

Larry — Say, you, come here, you schemer. You promised to introduce me to 
that rich widow and you throw me down for two monkey Frenchmen, Camphene and 
Gastritis. 

Cinch — You mean Alphonse and Gaston. Be patient, something may happen to 
them. 

Larry — Something will happen 'em. I used to be a policeman in New York and 
I'm handy clubbing foreigners. 

Cinch — Give me $20 and I'll tell you of my new scheme — (gets money) — we'll put 
up a job on Alphonse and Gaston and make 'em wish they were dead. (Imitates 
Alphonse and Gaston "After you, my dear Alphonse — No Gaston, I beg of you to be 
first"). 

Larry — (imitates) I beg your tobacco, Gaston, no, yours, my dear Alphonse; ah, 
they make me sick. 

Widow and Delia return from yacht. 

Widow — Ah, here they come, Alphonse and Gaston — Oh, they're so sweet, so 
recherche. 

Delia— They are dreams of manly beauty— so polite and elegant ; I love them. 

Larry— (angrily) A couple of French lobsters. 

Widow — (to Cinch) Oh, get one of them for me. 

Draw Straws — The one long straw, long Frenchman ; short straw, short Frenchman. 

Delia — (to Cinch) Get the prettiest one for me, either Alphonse or Gaston. 

Widow— Gaston or Alphonse for me— both are little cupids. 

Music. 
Sailors enter R. and L., enter Alphonse and Gaston from yacht. 

Song. 
Alphonse and Gaston. 

You've seen our lovely photographs in ze Morning Journale, 
It makes ze fun of both of us, sometimes I turn quite pale, 

I wish to catch ze editor, I make ze duel fight, 

I kill him dead upon ze spot, wiz one great big delight. 

Chorus. 

I beg of you, to let me kill, you first, my dear Alphonse, 
Oh no, Gaston, 1 beg of you, let me be first, for once, 

I fill him full of bullet shots, the sabre I cut him on, 

He will be killed by me Alphonse, I shoot him dead, Gaston. 

Full Chorus. 

They bow polite, and wish to fight, each strives to be the one. Excusez moi — 
my dear Alphonse, I beg of you, Gaston 

2d Verse. 

They wish to make me fall in love, wiz rich Americaines, 
But after you, my dear Alphonse, Gaston will beg again. 

So hand in hand, La Belle France, we journey across ze sea, 
Alphonse, my name, Oh that is me, Gaston, yes, that is me. 

After Chorus. 



ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 



Alphonse— I am much afraid ze weather is very stormy— and I feel like ze volcano 
— in my stomach— I go heave ze anchor, I guess. 

Gaston. — After you, my dear Alphonse— if you are seeck, I beg you vill ze heave 
first. 

Alphonse— I beg of you to be sea sick first and to be at ze side of ze ship. 
Gaston — I entreat you, Alphonse, to be sea sick first. 

Larry— Well, what do you think of that ? Those two Frenchmen want each other 
to be sea sick first. I've a notion to kill them now. (about to take off coat, when Cinch 
prevents him). 

Cinch — Not yet. They're yours. Let 'em live a while longer. (Larry pacified). 
Capt. — We're going to have a sudden squall — see those dark clouds — and the 
waves are rising higher and higher. 

Alphonse — Yes, it is almost up to my throat now — I cannot keep him down much 
longer. 

Gaston— I beg of you, my dear Alphonse, don't Jceep him down on my account, 
I implore you to be first, my dear friend. (Both look at each other, then stagger to 
end of wharf, sick — sailors laugh, Larry in great glee over it). 

Larry — Go it, ye Frinch scalliwags— holler Europe— till you're dead. 
Widow— You ought to be ashamed of yourself, making fun of those gentlemen — 
those titled noblemen. 

Delia — Yes, it shows your low origin, and common bringing up. 
Gaston— Bring it up, Alphonse. 

Alphonse— I beg of you (bus) bring him up (bus) first, (bus. at wharf). 
Larry — Well, I've insulted the ladies, by laughing at those Frenchmen— but 
their name is mud — if I have to sink the yacht. 

(Alphouse and Gascon nearly fall overboard from their exertions of vomiting 
— ladies scream — sailors catch them.) 

Larry — Let go of 'em ; let 'em go over. Good riddance to bad rubbish. 
Capt.— What, ho there. Bring the starboard anchor. (Sailors exclaim, Aye, aye, 
sir; and exit R. 2 E). 

(Alphonse and Gaston, pale and sick, come down C, bowing to each other). 
Alphonse — I beg you to go to ze cabin, to lie down yourself. 
Gaston— No, my dear Alphonse, you go first — I after you. 

Gruff old sailor, assisted by four or five others, brings on a very large padded black 
anchor, they carry it on their shoulders making it appear as if very heavy — they all 
shout, "get out of the way, etc." Larry glad to see them in the way. They push over 
Alphonse and Gaston, and drop the anchor on them both. They yell, squirm, etc., all 
rush to assist in raising the anchor off their bodies. Larry helps to raise anchor, and 
then lets go, and drops anchor on top of them again. Finally get it off. Widow and 
Delia in great agitation at their peril. Anchor taken on yacht. Capt. raises Alphonse. 
Cinch raises Gaston, They go toward cabin, all "broke up," legs twisted, back broken, 
sliding knock kneed business. At door they want to bow, and beg each other to pass 
in first— Capt. and Cinch shove them in, being out of patience with them. 

Widow — Come and see if they are hurt — Oh, how careless people are with anchors. 
Delia — If they die, I'll be a widow before I'm married. (They enter cabin). 
Larry — They'll die, if I can assist them to a funeral. 

Sailors return from yacht, with Weary Walker, a tramp, found as a stowaway on 
the vessel. 

Mate — Captain, we found this tramp hid in under twenty tons of coal— he's a 
stowaway. 

Capt — What's your name ? 

Tramp — Weary Walker, gentleman of leisure— an American by birth, and a tourist 
by occupation. 



ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 



Capt. — Set him to work shoveling coal. 

Tramp.— Give me a job shoveling snow, won't yon ? 

Capt. — Away with him, and see that he shovels ten tons a minute. 

(Tramp faints, sailors hustle him on yacht— followed by Captain). 

Cinch— Finnegan, I have an idea, 

Larry— (Pays him). 1 knew you'd ask me for money— there it is — what's the 
matter ? 

Cinch— I'll sneak into the Frenchmen's cabin, borrow some of their clothing, you 
and the tramp will be Alphonse and Gaston. Catch the idea ? 11 the widow and 
daughter want men of noble birth, they'll have them. 

Larry— I'll be a Frinch Irishman. 

Cinch— You'll be Alphonse ; the tramp, Gaston, as I said before. I'll keep the 
Frenchmen locked in their cabin. I'll get their wardrobe if I have to steal it from 
their backs, see the point, (extends hand). 

Larry— (Pay 8 money). I do. We'll make love to the widow and daughter, and 
the Frenchmen will be chucked overboard. 

Cinch— They'll be euchered. A storm is brewing, and it gives us a great chance 
to play the game with success. Come along. 

Larry — But I can't talk French. 

Cinch — I'll teach you a few words, and I'll do the same for the tramp. After you, 
my dear Alphonse. 

Larry— No, I beg your tobacco, after the ball, Gaston. (They imitate the two 
Frenchmen ad lib, and exit into cabin.) 

Broncho - (Enters R. IE., with Gladys). So you tell me the two Frenchmen 
insulted you, did they ? Well I'll just bore a hole in them, and throw them to the 
sharks. 

Gladys— Oh, you are so kind and good natured. 

Broncho — That's what we do down in Texas. If we don't like anybody, we just 
wipe them out. These two Frenchmen came on my yacht, thinking it was a passenger 
steamer — and I let 'em stay. Now, like a gentleman, I'll shoot 'em first and let 'em 
explain afterwards. 

Gladys— Oh, thank you, Mr. Crockett, I don't think they'll live after you kill 
them. 

Broncho— I never miss my man. I'll go and hunt them up now. (They exit up 
gang plank, and into cabin. — Alphonse and Gaston look out of porthole). 

Alphonse — How do you feel now, my dear Gaston ? 

Gaston — Let me ask after your health first, I insist — 

Alphonse— No, I insist — I beg of you to ask first — (Larry comes out with bricks — 
looks over side of yacht — sees them and hits both on head, with padded bricks, Slap 
stick sound in entrance. Larry runs back. Alphonse and Gaston, with exclamations of 
pain, withdraw their heads. 

Cinch — (Comes from cabin). Everything is O. K. I got two suits for my part- 
ners in crime, and I think we'll make it hot until they leave the yacht. We sail in a 
few moments, and I wish I could lose them somewhere. Here comes the real idiots, 
(withdraws as Alphonse and Gaston come from cabin, and sneaks up gang plank, when 
they come down to stage). 

Alphonse— My dear Gaston, it was one brick on ze head. 

Gaston — Excuse me, I think it was one brick bat — and you was struck first. 

Alphonse — No, it was you first, I beg to say, it was you. 

Gaston — No, it was you. I beg you will say yes. 

Mate wheels in a large trunk, on a truck, shouts for them to get out of the way, 
sees them as they are bowing and capering to each other, he knocks them down, dumps 
trunk on them, takes it off of them, puts it on truck, wheels it off R., giving them fits 



10 ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 

for being in the way. As they lie there, a man enters R. IE., with bushel basket of 
eggs and sawdust. Trips over them, spill eggs and sawdust on them. Gives them fits 
as he gathers up eggs, etc. into basket. Kicks and threatens them, and exits L. 1 E. 
Alphonse and Gaston get up, and bow to each other. 

Gaston— It was my fault, my dear Alphonse — please let me apologize. 

Alphonse — No, let me apologize first, (bowing, etc. Enters painter, L. 1 E. has 
big can of flour and flat brush — Frenchmen are in his way — yells to them to move on, 
and let him pass. They keep on bowing, he dips brush into flour, gets a lot of it on fiat 
brush, and dabs it into Gaston's face — then another brushful into Alphonse's face — 
threatens them, and exits R. 1 E. Alphonse and Gaston stagger up on gang plank, and 
there a shower of old tomato cans fall on them, from above, in flies. They stagger to 
cabin door, which is suddenly opened, and some one there with a bladder hits both (one 
after the other) quick and closes the door. Alphonse and Gaston come to C. of deck, and 
fall through a skylight in deck of yacht, and down below the wharf line— crash heard — 
this trap and papered frame can be closed or removed after this business. Soon as 
they fall through trap, Larry and tramp, as duplicate Alphonse and Gaston, come from 
cabin— down gang plank to stage, R. & L., and begin bowing to each other. The real 
Alphonse and Gaston look out of porthole, are astonished, utter cry of surprise, and 
close ports). 

Broncho appears on deck, from cabin, fires a shot at each man — Larry and 
Tramp fall in funny positions. Widow and Delia scream, and come from cabin. 

Widow — My Alphonse is killed. 

Delia — My Gaston is murdered. (They run to each). 

Cinch. — (Coming from cabin). What has happened ? 

Broncho — These two Frenchmen insulted a lady on my yacht, and I have shot 'em 
full of lead, that's all. 

. Cinch — (Aside). Jiminy Christmas — he's killed the wrong Frenchmen. (Goes to 
Larry and Tramp)- 

Broncho — Come along, ladies, I'll have them buried in the Ocean. 

Widow and Delia cry bitterly, and are led into cabin. 

Cinch — Here, don't play off dead any longer. 

Larry — Don't let that crazy man get another shot at me. (rises) What's the 
matter with him anyway. 

Tramp— ( Sits up). Say, it's all off ; get me my clothes ; I don't want to be a 
Frenchman. 

Cinch — Come with me ; did you see the widow cry ? Now's your chance — Make 
hay while the sun shines. Come along. (They go up gang plank, Tramp bowing to 
Larry). 

Larry — Cheese that — we haven't any time to be fools. (Cinch shoves them into 
cabin — and the real Alphonse and Gaston come out of the other swinging or pivot door). 

Cinch — I thought I told you to get down in the lower Cabin. Eh ? (Discovers it 
is the real Frenchmen — all bow to each other, ad lib — Cinch goes into cabin. Alphonse 
and Gaston come down C). 

Gaston— I beg you will allow me to explain. 

Alphonse — No, my dear Gaston, I will explain to } r ou. 

(Broncho appears from cabin, and is surprised). 

Broncho — What, not dead yet ? (Fires at each — they fall, heels in the air). I've 
fixed them this time. 

Alphonse and Gaston look up, then lay their heads down quick again ; look at each 
other, and bob down again. Widow and Delia come from cabin crying, and French- 
men look up. 

Delia — Oh, Ma, Gaston is not dead. 

Widow — And Alphonse is still alive. Speak to me — do you want some wine ? 



ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 11 

Delia — Do you want a glass of wine to revive you ? (Frenchmen sit up, and nod 
yes. Widow and Delia run up gang plank, into cabin). 

Gaston — My dear Alphonse, they will steal us to poison us. 

Alphonse — The ladies want to get us for some museum — we will escape. 

Gaston — You run first, my dear Alphonse. (bowing, etc., they exit L. 2 E.) 

(Larry and Tramp come from cabin down to C). 

Tramp — You can do as you like — I'm going to resign being a parlee voo fansey. 

Laert — I'm going to throw up the job myself. (Widow and Delia come from 
cabin, each with a glass of wine). 

Widow — Here's your wine, gentlemen. (Delia gives wine to Gaston, widow to 
Alphonse — who surprised, take and drink it, then bow); 

Delia — Are you much hurt ? 

Tramp — Not now, I'm cured entirely. 

Larry — That's the kind of medicine. 

Widow — I was so afraid I was going to lose you. 

Larry — You can't lose me. 

Delia— (To Tramp). You pretty thing, you, I'm so glad you're not dead. 

Tramp— I'm so glad, that you're glad I'm glad. (Bows, etc., Larry puts arm 
around widow, Tramp does the same with Delia). 

Widow — You foreigners are such great love makers. 

Delia — Yes, you are so impetuous. 

Larry — We foreigners are funny people. 

Widow — What part of France do you come from ? 

Larry — Limerick ! I mean, Paree. Paree, County Down, Patrick. You know 
what I mean. It's next to the opposite side of the other place. What a nice waist 
you have. I like to get around you. (hugs her ad lib.) 

Delia — Give me some of that ? (Tramp hugs her). 

Widow — Now wait here a minute, and I'll get my mantilla, and we'll take a short 
stroll before the yacht sails. (Ladies run towards cabin, kissing hands to Larry and 
Tramp, as they exit. The bogus Frenchmen capering and returning the kisses. As 
they are thus engaged, Broncho is heard to shout in the cabin). 

Broncho — Load my other gun, I may want to use it. (Larry and Tramp lie down 
onstage, quick, Broncho looks out of cabin, sees the dead bodies, and is satisfied. 
Closes door of cabin. Before Larry and Tramp can arise, Alphonse and Gaston enter L. 
2 E., they are surprised to see counterparts of themselves on ground — they come down 
C, amazed. Larry and Tramp look up, bob down again, as Frenchmen turn to gaze 
at them, repeat this business twice, then both arise, and run off L. 2 E. When French- 
men turn, they note the mysterious disappearance). 

Alphonse — My dear Gaston, tell me if I am crazy. 

Gaston — You tell me first if I am one imbecile. (As they are bowing, enter 
widow and Delia from yacht — grab them by the arm, and in spite of their protests, and 
pulling back, fairly hustle them out R 2 E. Then Larry and Tramp return L. 2 E. 
laughing. Broncho enters from yacht — comes between them — they turn and see him 
and collapse). 

Broncho — You miserable French cowards — I won't waste a bullet on you — but 
I'll kill you with something else. Wait here, wait here, (shouts this ad lib, as he 
runs back into yacht.) 

Larby — Wait here, like fun I will. 

Tramp — I'm not going to my own funeral, (they run off.) 

Alphonse and Gaston enter R 

Alphonse — Let us guess if everyone is crazy like us. 

Gaston — My dear Alphonse, you guess first, you guess first. - 

(Broncho comes down with boxing gloves on, and pair under his arms,) 



12 ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 



Broncho — (loud) Put them on, put them on. 

Gaston— You first, my dear Alphonse. 

Alphonse — I beg of you to put them on. (Broncho very angry, compels them 
to put on gloves, short, funny three handed glove fight, until both Frenchmen are 
knocked out flat, R. & L.) 

Broncho — Three cheers for Texas ! (goes up gangplank, when Larry and Tramp 
enter L. 2 E., and rush up to hide on yacht, not seeing Broncho until they are close to 
him. He turns quickly, sees it is Alphonse and Gaston, and deals Larry and Tramp a 
blow each. They stagger back, and fall flat on stage, making four Frenchmen lying 
apparently dead. Broncho enters cabin in great fury. Widow and Delia run in R, 
•cream when they see four on the ground.) 

Widow — There's four Frenchmen — I'm seeing double. Help ! help ! 

Music. 

Stage grows darker— all characters on — Capt., Broncho, Mate, Cinch, etc. 

Cinch — Who has committed this horrible murder? (Thunder and lightning — storm 
at hand— Alphonse and Gaston, Larry and Tramp jump up— ladies scream— Frenchmen 
dash pell mell for yacht, and cabin, with Larry and Tramp.) 

Capt — Cut her loose — quick, the storm is at hand. 

Ladies run across stage, down, here and there, as if blown by the wind — This to 
cover up gangplank being removed, and wharf pulled off ; stage darker, storm more 
f urious— men are buffeted here and there. Cinch struggles across with umbrella, 
which becomes turned inside out, men cross with coats off, when all is ready, lights 
go out, stage dark, then crash of thunder, lights up — wreck of yacht — yacht whirled 
around and around, Cinch in its middle — Larry and Tramp at bow and stern, clinging 
to it — Widow, Delia, and Broncho about C, with Cinch, the Frenchmen are seen 
in the air, clinging to umbrellas, swinging back and forth, people in entrances scream- 
ing and shouting, as stage is clear of other characters. 



CURTAIN- 



Alphonse and Gaston* 



ACT II. SCENE, MONTE CARLO, IN NEW YORK. 



SCENE— Act II. 

The Temple of Fortune, Monte Carlo in New York, splendid interior, platform at 
back, with trick stairs — pool and race placards, and blackboard — table to change to a 
parlor organ — table to "trick" up into a bookcase (see MSS for additional fixtures, 
etc.) On stage several tables and lounges. 

Music. 

Ladies discovered. 

Chorus. 

Cinch — (enters down steps, attended by a waiter). Keep a sharp lookout for the 
police — although I pay for police protection, I may not get it. (bows to ladies). 
Ladies, you are welcome to spend your husband's money and your own, also. 

Waiteb — I will admit no one without invitation cards. By the way, here are two 
ladies, and something with them. 

Delia and Widow enter, escorted by Sol Levinski, comedy Hebrew, they 
come downstairs, and are greeted by Cinch. 

Widow — Oh, what a gorgeous palace — just like the one occupied by my ances- 
tors at Tara's Halls, with Brian Boru. 

Delia — So this is what they call Monte Carlo in New York, it is perfectly ex- 
quisite. 

Sol — Just like the palace of my ancestors in Hester Street, under King Solomon. 

Cinch — This is a ladies club, to dabble in stocks, horse races, matrimony, and 
other trivial affairs. 

Widow — How about that titled husband for me ? I've paid you twice, have you 
forgotten it ? 

Cinch — Not by any means — I have two or three in view — but the wreck of the 
yacht made me :orget all about it. 

Widow — Alphonse is my selection, if he is titled and rich. 

Delia — And Gaston is good enough for me, if he can "read his title clear." 

Cinch — Be seated, ladies, and trust in me. Providence, R. I., used to be good 
enough to trust -in, but me, I'm a cinch. (They sit at table — enter Broncho and 
Gladys, Cinch bows them in). 

Cinch — Welcome to the Temple of Fortune. 

Broncho — I've been lucky all my life, and I dare say I'll break the bank. 

Cinch — We've got this place open to let lucky people win all our money, 
(laughs). 

Broncho — Well, I've come prepared to win — (shows pistols) and if there's any 
monkey business in the game, I'll kill the proprietor. 

Cinch — Oh, that'll be nice. 

Soil — For heaven's sake, let him win. He's got a pistol. He might miss you, 
and hit me. 

Gladys — Wouldn't that be nice. Oh say, I've invited some of my theatrical 
friends to enliven the occasion — I'm going to Texas. 

Broncho — As Mrs. Broncho Crockett — who has any objections? 

Cinch — Not me, Mr. Texas, it was through me that you secured your wife. 

Waiter — (announces) Two more gentlemen, one looks like ready money, the 
other like half past. six. 

Larry and Tramp enter, coming downstairs. 



16 ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 

Labby — Hello, Cinch, how about the wife I paid you to get for me ? But the 
wife I looked for never came. 

Cinch — You'll get her. It's all fixed, (to Tramp) How dare you come here in 
rags and tatters, go get a dress suit — get a dress suit by hook or by crook. 

Tbamp— If I can't crook one. I'll hook one. Don't worry, I'll get a dress suit. 

Sol — Let me take your measure and fit you out. Business before pleasure. 

Tbamp — I'll get one by hook or crook— ah, ladies, glad to see you — Mr. Crockett, 
yours truly. Widow, yours devotedly. Miss Delia, yours affectionately. 

Labby — That'll do — go sit down in the refrigerator, and keep cool— ah, widow, 
your most stupendous admirer — (bows) Your most delicate and volcanic sciatica. 

Widow — Oh, what beautiful language — take my arm, or 111 take yours — take me 
into the confectionery to view the exotics and the dandelions. (Larry winks at Cinch, 
and exits with Widow R. 2E., Tramp pantomimes to Delia, to join him for a ramble 
— she nods "yes", and Tramp and Delia have extravagant exit R., Sol pantomimes to 
imaginary lady, offers arm, and exits R., chatting with the imaginary woman). 

Music "Marsaillaise." 

Enter Alphonse and Gaston, L. U. E., fall down the trick stairs — slippery day 
business, they see Broncho, rise, and caper up-stairs, and out. Broncho tries to shoot 
after them, but is prevented by waiter, Cinch and Gladys, who hold and pacify him. 

Bboncho — They belong to me — I'm their undertaker, sexton, and the whole 
cemetery. 

Cinch — After their reception, Colonel, as a dessert and finishing touch to the fes- 
tivities, you can kill the two Frenchmen. 

Bboncho — No, I must kill them now — (removes coat, ladies scream). They 
hoodooed my yacht and escaped me by going up in the air with umbrellas. They'll 
have to get a balloon this time. (Runs upstairs, followed by Gladys, Cinch and 
Waiter. Rest of ladies exit L. 2 E.) 

Tbamp — (enters R. 2 E. and finds the coat). There's a good beginning — I've got 
a coat — now for the pants and vest— by hook or by crook, (exits L. 2 E. Enter 
Alphonse and Gaston, from vampires, right and left of stage, (roll outs) they sit up, 
and bow to each other). 

Alphonse — We have been invited here to be killed. 

Gaston— Yes, invited here to be massacred — (they arise) the trouble now is, to 
get out, my dear Alphonse. 

Alphonse — The trouble is to get out with our lives, my dear Gaston. (As they 
are speaking, they lean on the figures, which are on each side of the stairs, and which 
bend over — Alphonse to R , Gaston to L., allowing them to fall to the floor — and the 
figures resume positions. In astonishment they retreat, and sit on lounge R. & L., and 
vampire doors in top of lounge let them fall through it, with feet up — crash with 
each fall, they arise and seek to escape upstairs, steps flip and both fall and stagger, 
to chairs, R. & L., to lean upon its back, the backs on rubber, sink down or backward 
and throw them down again. In despair, they run to the black-board, which is 
tipped over, on their heads, and crush them to the floor again. They arise). (As Al- 
phonse and Gaston are C, enter Cinch partially disguised as typical green goods man.) 

Cinch — It is — it is — my dear nephew — (throws arms around Alphonse) my poor 
dead uncle — How I do miss him (cries) He was so good : Ah ! This is his chain. (Takes 
watch-chain from around Alphonse's neck). How well I remember this chain — and 
the watch (pulls watch out of Alphonse's pocket, attached to chain). It is his watch — 
my poor dead uncle's watch ! (Kisses watch, bursts into violent fit of crying as he 
exits with watch and chain, L. 1 E.) (Frenchmen look at each other — then toward 
L. 1 E.) 

Gaston — He has the watch of his uncle. 

(Enter Tramp R. 1 E.) 



ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 17 



Tramp— Did that rascal take your watch ? I'll break his back— I'll fix him— lend 
me your cane. (Takes Gaston's gold headed cane). I'll fix him. (Goes out L. 1 E. 
shouting to Cinch to come back, etc.) 

Alphonse — He has the cane of your uncle ! 

(Enter Cinch with full beard, different hat, R. 1 E.— Drops a pocket-book at 
Alphonse's feet). 

Cinch — Beg pardon — Is this your pocket-book ? (opens it) My ? what a lot of 
money. 

Alphonse— No— it is not mine. 

Cinch — There will be a reward for this. You look like an honest man. I live 
out of town. See— it's full of money. Give me $20 and you keep this until the right- 
ful owner advertises for it. (Gaston nudges Alphonse to take it. Alphonse gives 
Cinch money and takes the wallet.) Remember I get half of the reward. Here's my 
card and address. Good bye, sir— good bye. (Exits R. IE.) 
Alphonse— I've got a whole lot of money ! (laughs) 

Gaston — Let me see it — (pulls out bills which prove to be one bill wrapped 
around a lot of paper. They look at each other disgusted. Just then Tramp enters 
L. 1 E. — Frenchmen turn and see him, recognize him. Tramp turns back as he goes 
up stage — and puts on a big black or red mustache.) 

Frenchmen— You swindler — where is my cane ? (Tramp turns — Frenchmen are 
amazed.) 

Tramp — What are you talking about ? Who are you talking to ? 
Frenchmen — Beg pardon — we thought it was a thief who stole the cane. (They 
bow and beg pardon.) 

Tramp — Gentlemen, I have here a'bargain ! I wouldn't part with it — but I'm a 
stranger in the city and I must have money to leave town. This watch — this Water- 
bury watch, (shows tin watch.) 

Gaston — Alphonse, you need a watch — you lost your uncle's. 
Tramp — Here is a watch that cost me $25 — you can have it for ten dollars. 
(Gaston urges Alphonse to buy it. He does so.) You'll find it a first-class Waterbury 
watch. Ta ta, gentlemen, ta ta — shake a day day. (Exits R. IE.) 

Alphonse — This time we are not swindled (opens lid of watch and water pours 
out of it.) Oh 1 Waterbury Water Works. 

Gaston — One scoundrel thief ! Come home, Alphonse, come home ! 
(Larry enters L. 1 E. with satchel.) 

Larry — Sh ! Not a word ! Here's the chance of your life — see this? (Shows a gold 
brick from satchel) I have just returned from the gold mines. This is pure gold. 
Alphonse — (bus) Yes— it feels heavy. 

Larry — You can take it to any jeweler — or to the mint. If he says it's not worth 
five thousand dollars I'll give you back half of it— and see this— (shows package of 
bills)— it is counterfeit money. No one knows the difference — It looks real ! Have the 
whole business for five hundred dollars, for the police are after me. 

Alphonse — Buy it, Gaston, and I will go halves— (Gaston looks in pockets for 
money. Larry places satchel on floor. Tramp runs in with duplicate satchel and takes 
the one with brick and money in it — leaving one filled with corset or hoop skirt and 
exits. Gaston pays Larry and picks up satchel.) 
Gaston — There is your money. 

Larry— And there's your satchel, sir— good bye— good bye. (Exits R. IE.) 
Gaston — This time we know what we are buying, (opens satchel — takes out 
corsets — faints in Alphonse's arms.) Oh! I am dead with surprise! 
(Enter Cinch with bundle.) 

Cinch — Hold this a moment, (puts it in Alphonse's arms) I don't want to go to the 
pawnbroker's — no — but I'm going to kill myself — I don't want to live. In that bundle 



18 ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 

is the coat in which I was married (cries) — my wife is dead — and I may as well die, oh ! 
let me die ! Give me enough money to buy a pistol. 

Gaston — Give him some money! (Alphonse gives him money.) 

Alphonse — There is ten dollars, poor man. 

Cinch— Thank you — thank you — you have saved my life! (Exits L. 1 E.) 

Gaston— He wants a pistol to save his life. 

(Alphonse opens bundle and an old pair of corsets drop out of it. ) 

Alphonse — This is the finish — some woman will be in a bundle next time. 

Gaston — Come home — come home. 

(Woman with a basket enters L. IE.) 

Woman — Where is Watt Street ? (They get tangled up on the name ad lib.) I'll 
find it myself — Have you got change of a five dollar bill ? 

Gaston— Oblige the lady Alphonse. 

Woman— Two tens will do !— Please hold my basket, (Alphonse gives her the 
money.) Thank you, sir— I will be back in two minutes. (Skips off R. IE.) 

(They look after her, both flirting, until baby cries in basket. They look around 
to discover where sound comes from.) 

Gaston — I hear a baby crying ! (They look in basket— bus.) 

Alphonse — Oh, a baby in the basket. Take the basket, Gaston. 

Gaston — You first, my dear Alphonse. 

Alphonse — I beg you to take it. (Bowing ad lib as they back off L. 1 E. Baby 
crying and both working up a quick but good climax— exit with basket.) 

(Enter Larry, Tramp, Cinch, Widow, Delia, Sol, Broncho, Waiter, and ladies all 
return, R. & L.) 

Cinch— Now friends, tempt the fickle Goddess of Fortune— win if you can. 

Music. 

All are at table, the roulette, the faro, the wheel of fortune, rouge et noir, etc. 
Specialty introduced. 

An end of specialty. Waiter is at head of stairs, and a loud whistle is heard out- 
side. 

Waiter— Cheese it— the cops— a raid, a raid. 

Music— Hurry. 

The table changes into an organ, with lady or gentleman playing same, another 
table into a bookcase, with Jew reading a book, beside it, the blackboard flips up, to 
match the scene — all ladies have cards or hymn books, and signs on wall change to 
mottos, Love one another, Gather at the river, Feed the lambs, Trust in me, Beware of 
the wicked, etc. As soon as the change takes place, cops appear above, and descend 
steps to make a raid. As soon as police appear, all assume the methods and appear- 
ance of a Salvation Army meeting, or Sunday School, and sing, air " There is a happy 
land." 

Chorus. 
There is a boarding house not far away, 

Where we have boiled eggs, three times a day ; 
Oh hear those boarders yell, when they hear the dinner bell, 
Oh how those eggs do smell, three miles away. 

This verse is placed here to avoid a religious hymn — unless it be a rag-time coon 
song, fit for the scene, to avoid offence. Comedians repeat the above verse as a coun- 
try choir, cops are nonplussed, look at each other, Capt. Chapman can be introduced 
among them, cops shake heads, take off caps, and solemnly go upstairs, and out. 
Comedians laugh, jump up, join hands, and sing, Little Sally Waters, sitting in the 
sun, etc., and dance with joy. Placards, blackboards, table, etc., all change back. 

Sol — It was lucky I knew that hymn — so I could sing a disinfected alto. 

Broncho— Well, this beats all the Sunday Schools I ever saw— outside of Texas 
—but where's my coat ? (bus). 



. 



ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 19 



Cinch — I'll find it for you— after we have lunch. Come, ladies, join us in the 
banquet room — the police can't raid that, (all exit except waiter). 

Waiter — I think I will change my garments — so if I'm pinched, they won't rec- 
ognize me (removes coat and vest, placing them on table; at that moment there is a 
whistle off LI., Waiter is alarmed). I wonder if they are coming back, (goes upstairs 
with coat, forgetting vest, exits L. U. E. 

Tramp— (darts out L. 2 E., and gets the vest). I've got a coat and vest, and now 
for the pants, by hook or by crook, (exits L. 2 E.) 

(Alphonse and Gaston enter R. 2 E.) 

Alphonse — I cannot find my way out of this house. 

Gaston — After you, my dear Alphonse. 

Alphonse— Everybody seems to be after me, I have one brilliant idea. 

Gaston — What is it, my dear Alphonse ? 

Alphonse — Somebody has been masquerading as yourself and myself. 

Gaston — Passing themselves off as Alphonse and Gaston? 

Alphonse — Wee — wee, it is that Irishman and ze Tramp. 

Gaston — I will kill them both, I have been insulted. 

Alphonse — After me, dear Gaston, (bowing bus.) I propose to be tit for tat, — 
we will be the Irishman and ze Tramp, (strike attitude.) 

Gaston— One great brain — we are the Tramp and ze Irishman. Viva le France. 
At last, at last, we are revenge. 

Alphonse — At last, at last, we are not in ze soup. 

Music — Marsaillaise. 

They go up -stairs, each clinging to outside edge of banisters, as if afraid of steps, 
Cinch enters with Larry and Tramp, R. 2 E., as Alphonse and Gaston. 

Cinch — There is but one sure thing — you are Gaston and Alphonse — make love to 
the widow and her daughter — and marry them at once. 

Larry — What ! Get married now ! 

Cinch— Certainly — She is prepared and you'll have wives and fortunes — I'll go 
and see a Parson at once. (Exits L. IE.) 

(Place for specialty to give Alphonse and Gaston time to disguise themselves as 
Larry and Tramp. Are about to go up stairs — they meet Broncho, who grabs them 
both and brings them down steps to C. ) 

Broncho — Ah ha ! Alphonse and Gaston — come to the slaughter house. 

(Wrestles them ad lib. The real A. & G. appear at head of steps — and laugh — 
jump with delight to see Larry and Tramp dragged out R. 1 E. mistaken for them. 
They waltz — embrace each other — forget about the stairs and are flipped down by 
trick stairs again. They sit R. & L. as Widow all in white, and Delia all in white de- 
scend stairs. Alphonse and Gaston make violent signals to them that the stairs are 
dangerous — but they descend in safety. To their great astonishment Widow and Delia 
give them the cold shoulder.) 

(Enter Cinch R. 1 E.) 

Cinch — Ah, ladies — ready for the bridal — but where are the happy bridegrooms ? 

Grand Chorus. 

(Ladies enter — Larry and Tramp as Alphonse and Gaston come to the Widow and 
Delia, but they wave them aside and seleet the real Alphonse and Gaston. All this is 
done during the medley. The disgusted imitators of Alphonse and Gaston go behind the 
organ. Broncho descends steps with a bomb— lights it — throws it behind organ. 
Double dummies fly up of Alphonse and Gaston — while the real ones laugh — embrace 
each other— point up and bow to each other, C— in great delight.) 



CURTAIN. 



Alphonse and Gaston* 

ACT III. SCENE, CONEY ISLAND, THE BOWERY AND 

BEACH. 



\ 



Act III.— SCENE. 

Coney Island. Bo very, in Coney Island. Ferris wheel and beach at back, with 
Ocean, etc., Bathing pavilions, booths, bath houses, saloons and side shows, all gay ly 
decorated. Masking piece in front of Ferris wheel, to hide lower part from axle down 
A trick chimney (funnel) L., as if funnel of steam boiler used to revolve wheel. 
Signs, "Loop the Loop," "Ye Olde Mill," "Merry Go Round," all sorts of catch penny 
machines; striking, blowing, or weighing, telescope. 

(At rise of curtain) Chorus by bathing girls, and they retire. Barkers voices aie 
heard, "this way for the learned pig;" "five cents to shoot the chutes;" "your photo- 
graph and a glass of beer for five cents." As curtain rises the Ferris wheel is revolving, 1 o 
show how it works ; and a scene of bustle and activity, leading to chorus of batheis 
Then ladies retire, barkers are heard, and Cinch, arm in arm with Widow and Delia, 
enter L. U. E. 

Cinch — Here's the happiest spot in the world ; come as your money permits, and 
go as you please. 

Widow — That's all very well, but when I go into the water, whose going to float 
me ? 

Cinch — Hundreds of men will fight for that privilege. 

Widow — And the titled husband I paid you to get me ? All I've got so far was a 
shipwreck and a narrow escape from marrying the wrong man. 

Delia — And the rich noblemen you promised me — Alphonse and Gaston ? 

Cinch — Here is the very place to meet them both ; everybody comes to Coney 
Island, and Alphonse and Gaston will be found here; trust to me; I'll land them yet. 

Widow — Well, take us around and show us the sights. 

Delia — Show us the Elephant and everything that looks attractive. 

Cinch — I own all the side shows around here, and after a while we'll try the Ferris 
wheel, loop the loop and the merry go round ; my arm, ladies. (They take his arm ) 

Widow — Oh, if we could only meet Alphonse, Oh dear 

Delia — And if I could only meet lonesome Gaston ; heigho. I'm dead gone on him. 
(They exit into side show R). 

A crash and noise in saloon L., Tramp is thrown out of saloon. (Out to C). 

Tramp — I was coming out, anyway. You saved me the trouble of opening the 
door. (Arises). This is an insult to an American citizen. 

Larry — (Enters R. U. E.) I'm out for a day's pleasure, and here is where I'll g t 
it, if I don't watch my pocketbook. 

Tramp— Hello, Alphonse. 

Larry — Hello, Gaston — after you, my dear friend. (Laughs). 

Tramp — Old partner in crime, how are you, anyway ? 

Larry — Great, come in and have something. (Indicates saloon). 

Tramp — No, I've been in there, and had something ; I don't like the barkeeper in 
there, he's a kicker. 

Larry — Well then, we'll go somewhere else, and you'll tell me how you ever 
saved your life. 

Tramp — That's a mystery ; I never was so near heaven in all my life. 

Larry — (Suddenly). I saw them ! I saw them ! Alphonse and Gaston, on the 
beach. (Indicates L. U. E). 

Tramp — We won't do a thing to them, Oh, no ; I'm on my native heath, now ; I 
want to see some one blow me up. 



24 ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 

Larry — We want no foreigners here ; come on, we'll formulate a plan of exclusion 
while we study irrigation. (They exit R. 3 E). 

Music. 
Marsaillaise. Enter Alphonse and Gaston, L. U. E., they pose down C, then bow 
to each other. 

Alphonse — I beg of you to look at all these curiosities first. 
Gaston — No, my dear Alphonse, I implore you to see them first, I insist. 
Tough Girl enters L. IE, walks to C. drops her handkerchief. Both Frenchmen 
bow to each other, and insist that the other stoop and pick it up. A Bowery tough 
enters L. IE., smoking. Girl has retired up C. Tough slings Gaston to L. C, then 
Alphonse to R. C. 

Tough— What do you mean by trying to swipe de lady's wipe ? (He slaps 
Alphonse's face, then goes over to Gaston, and slaps him. Alphonse is laughing iX 
Gaston's plight, and following up tough, who turns, and Alphonse runs to L., tough 
slaps him ; as Gaston has followed up behind him, with throats, tough turns and Gaston 
runs R., he is slapped. Repeat this bus. about three times all told, and tough offers 
his arm to girl. 

Tough — I'll come back and knock your blocks off, see ? (Exit with girl R 2 E). 

Alphonse and Gaston look at each other sorrowfully, feel faces, then go up stage to 
C. to gaze after tough and girl. 

Alphonse — I will kill him dead. (Bowing bus). 

Gaston — I beg your pardon, my dear Alphonse, I will kill him. 

Trumpet of automobile heard off L. Shouts of get out of the way, e'c. Automo- 
bile dashes across stage, just missing Alphonse and Gaston, who just have time to dart 
aside. They turn and look after the automobile. 

Racket in R. 2 E. Monkey runs out, as if broken out of side show, runs under 
legs of Alphonse and Gaston, upsetting them both, and runs off L U. E. Keeper 
comes from R. 2 E., seizes the Frenchmen, and in spite of their protests, drags them 
into side show, R. 2 E , as if he had recaptured the monkey. 

Broncho and Gladys enter L. 1 E. 

Glayds — Here is where we part for a short time only; you see I am the principal 
danseuse in the Sea Breeze Vaudeville Opera House 

Broncho — I'll hire the whole dern Opera House, but what I'll see you all the time; 
when do you dance ? 

Glayds — In about a half hour; and as soon as I am through, I will join you, and 
we will resume our promenade, ta, ta. (Blows kiss to him as she exits L. 3 E) 

Broncho — She can have the whole cattle ranch, and Broncho Crockett to boot). 

Cinch — (Enters R 2 E). Hello, Mr. Crockett, glad to see you: welcome to Coney 
Island, where the gay bunco man nips the gay and festive jay. 

Broncho — I am going to the theatre to see a fairy dance on the end of her toes 

Cinch — I'll fix that for you — (extends hand) I am the manager of the theatre, and 
you can have all that is in it, out of it, and around it, if I say so. 

Broncho— (gives money) Then you're the man to see — I suppose you own the 
whole place. 

Cinch — I own everything but the air you breathe — go in and take a front seat — 
here (pins badge on him) that shows you're stockholder in the Coney Island Invest- 
ment Co., fifty dollars please (gets it) now you're with us, go right in, I'll see you soon 
as I count the money, in the company's safe. 

Broncho enters booth LI U. E., Larry and Tramp enter R 3 E. 

La.rry — Well, well, can I believe my eyes, Cinch ? 

Cinch — The only Cinch down here — (shakes hands with them.) I haven't for- 
gotten my promise — that is, to get you a rich wife — what if I were to tell you that 
the Widow Garrity is here ? 



ALPHONSE AI\D GASTON. 



Larry — Hush, or I'll faint in your arms. The Widow here ? 

Cinch — Yes, and I've got her soured on Alphonse and Gaston. 

Larry — They're here — those two French baboons are here — I saw them. 

Cinch — Then we'll worry them to death — as we did once before. 

Tramp — Excuse me, I don't get killed for those frogs aoy more. 

Cinch — It's all right, if you're both killed on the Beach I'll have you buried on 
the beach — come with me, we must scheme, my boy, scheme, (extends hand) all's 
fish that comes to my net. 

Larry— Don't you get tired of fishing, sometimes (pays money) I'm on your fish 
line all the time. 

Cinch — Come along, I'll introduce you to the Widow. 

Tramp — And fix me for the daughter. I've got lots of real estate in my hands. 
(They exit R, 3 E ) 

Alphonse and Gaston return R 2 E. 

Alphonse— That man thought I was one monkey. 

Gaston — Excuse me, he saw me, Alphonse, he saw me. (Enter woman with 
baby L. 2 E) 

Alphonse — Oh, what a pretty baby — I will kiss the baby. 

Gaston — After you, Alphonse, I beg — I implore you — to kiss the baby first (after 
short bus, Alphonse takes baby, squeezes it, bulb at back of its neck, and it squirts 
milk in his face. Hands baby to Gaston, who has not seen this. Baby squirts milk 
in Gaston's face, woman indignantly takes baby, threatens them, and exits R IE. 
Frenchmen stagger up uuder funnel, (smoke stack) which tips over, sending a shower 
of soot (black saw dust) all over them. They fall. Funnel resumes its upright posi- 
tion, soon as they arise and bow, monkey runs out of L. U. E. under their legs, 
Frenchmen fall, monkey exits, R. 2 E , Frenchmen stagger off L. U. E. , in each 
other's arms, all broken up. Widow and Delia in R. 2 E. , scream, and enter. 

Widow — My gracious, something ran past me that looked like Alphonse. 

Delia — The very picture of Gaston. 

Scoots — (Funny Dutch or character waiter, enters L. 2 E., and bows.) Ladies, 
can I recommend our restaurant — the only place in Coney Island where they put a 
clam in the clam chowder ; the only place in Coney Island where you get some beer 
with the froth. 

Widow — Order a banquet for two, and see here— have the clam chowder thick 
enough to eat with a spoon. 

Waiter — I'll go out and shoot some clams — so they'll be fresh in the chowder, 
(exits L. U. E.) 

Delia — No use talking, this is a great place, and we'll get all the fun we're look- 
ing for. 

Place for specialty or big act. 

(Widow and Delia exit.) 

Music 

"Wearing of the Green," (enter Larry and Tramp, disguised again as the two 
Frenchmen.) 

Larry— This fellow Cinch will have us in State prison yet — here we are, a 
couple of valentines, again. 

Tramp— But there's no danger here — except somebody may come up, and hitch a 
horse to us. Let's go into the theatre. 

Larry — I'll go you — but don't forget your French manners, my dear Gaston. 

Tramp — After you, mon cher Alphonse. (as they are bowing, Broncho enters 
L. 2E.) 

Broncho — What, the Frenchmen around here again. (Whoops) I'll do you up 
this time. (Larry and Tramp run off R. U. E. , in fright. Broncho fires a shot after 
them, and pursues. The real Alphonse and Gaston enter LI U. E. gaze in wonder at 



26 ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 

sound of pistol, then Alphonse goes and sits at foot of machine, that, being struck, 
sends the number of pounds upwards. Gaston gets a padded mallet, and hits Al- 
phonse on his battered hat, as he squats down; a long strip of white muslin is pulled 
up by string, showing hundreds and thousands of pounds struck ; this is registered 
against a wing or tall booth; Alphonse jumps up in great pain, as if skull was bat- 
tered, Gaston apologizes, ad lib ) 

Gaston — I am so sorry, my dear Alphonse, I hit your head. 

Alphonse — Do not worry yourself, there is nothing in it. We will try some 
machines. 

Gaston — After you, my dear Alphonse — (bow and come to striking machine ; 
waiter works this, getting the money. Alphonse hits the stricking machine (L.) 
which rebounds The glove darting out, and knocking him backward — flat, C. Gaston 
blows into the blowing machine (R) and it explodes — a rubber ball is thrown out from 
R., hitting Gaston in breast, or face, as shot is fired — he falls. Fat woman comes 
out of booth or side show, walks over both Frenchmen, as if she did not see them, and 
exits L U. E Monkey runs out of R. 2 E., hits them with short slap stick, and runs 
into L. 2 E. ; before the Frenchmen can arise the automobile is driven across, and 
over them — horn tooting as it flies across from R. to L. Lady snake charmer with two 
long dummy snakes runs out from R. 3E., throws the snakes down on them, screams, 
and runs into L. 2 E., Frenchmen get up, wrestle with snakes, and exit ad lib L. U. E. 
enter Larry and Tramp, R. 1 E ) 

Larry — I'm going to take these clothes off — that crazy Texas fellow is after us 
again 

TitAMP — I don't see why I should risk my life this way. (Enter Widow and Delia 
from L 2 E., ladies utter cry of astonishment, and pleasure.) 

Widow — Can I believe my eyes, Alphonse ? 

Delia — It is, it is, Gaston (Ladies run up, and embrace and hug Larry and 
Tramp, joyously.) 

Larry — (aside) It's all right, I'll keep on these clothes. 

Tramp — I'm willing to be killed for this, (more embraces ) 

Widow — Come sweetheart, take me to loop the loop, and the merry-go-round. 

Delia — And I want to go round that big wheel with you, Gaston 

Larry — First let's go in swimming. 

Widow — How delightful, and Alphonse will float me. 

Delia— And Gaston will float me. (they exit skipping gayly R. IT. E ) 

Here can be introduced dancing girls from pavilion — then waiter brings in table 
from L. 2 E. , with chairs. 

Waiter — The ladies said they wanted to eat their lunch out here, but I guess 
they're gone away. (Enter Alphonse and Gaston from L. 1 E., they come to table, 
and drop into chairs, exhausted.) I won't ask them what they want, I'll just bring 
it (exits L.) 

Alphonse — My dear Gaston, I am tired of this rapid life. 

Gaston — I think I will swim back to France. (Enter Waiter with big tin syringe, 
squirts water from it into plates on table). 

Alphonse and Gaston— What it is ? 

Waiter — Clam chowder, soup. 

Alphonse and Gaston — We don't want some soup. 

Waiter — Then you needn't have it. (Draws it up with syringe, and exits L). 

Alphonse — Every body is crazy but yourself and myself. 

Gaston— It is one crazy people. (Waiter brings sausages on plate, puts them on 
table). 

Frenchmen— What it is, then ? 

Waiter — Sausa ges. 

Frenchmen — How much for sausages. 



ALPHONSE AND GASTON. 27 

Waiter — One dollar. (Frenchmen whistle at price, utter several whistles, and 
the sausages are pulled up into flies by a string, which was affixed to them when 
brought out by waiter). 

Waiter — Don't you know better than to whistle when there are sausages on the 
table ? Pay me one dollar. (Frenchmen bow and beg each other to be allowed to pay 
the bill ; they can't agree). 

Alphonse— We will blindfold the waiter ; who he catches will pay the bill. 

Gaston — One grand idea. (They blindfold waiter and run off L. U.E. as Larry 
and Tramp enter R. 2 E., waiter catches them, exclaiming, "I've got you;" removes 
the blindfold. 

Waiter — Pay me one dollar. 

Both— What for ? 

Waiter— Here, no bluffs, you know what for ; sausages. 

Larry — Is the man crazy ? 

Waiter — I'll show you if I'm crazy or not. Pay me the dollar, or I'll punch the 
French head off of you. (Bus. Larry pays dollar). 

Tramp — Give him a dollar for me ; that'll be six you owe me. (Larry pays waiter.) 

Waiter — Next time don't come down here to beat anybody ; we're on to you 
foreigners. (Takes table and exits L). 

Larry — Do you remember eating sausages ? I don't. 

Tramp — I don't remember anything since I became a Frenchman. (Enter Broncho 
R. 2 E , comes down and collars and shakes them). 

Broncho — I've got you at last, have I ? Now then, I'll force you to apologize to 
the lady, then I'll kill you both, as I would a coyote. Stay here, you miserable parlee 
vous, till I get the lady ; don't move, or I'll let daylight into your monkey carcasses, 
whoop, I'm out for blood. (Exits L. 2 E). 

Tramp — I throw up my job. 

Larry — Cinch has got to square this for us. He's out for blood. (They run into 
R. 2 E. as Alphonse and Gaston return laughing, L. U. E., and Broncho and Gladys 
enter 1 2 E). 

Broncho — Now apologize to the lady, and prepare to die. (Shows pistols). 

Alphonse — After you, my dear Gaston. 

Gaston — 1 beg of you, to allow me to do the honors. 

Broncho — Apologize, or die on the spot. 

Gladys — For my sake, don't kill them both at once ; let each be killed separately. 

Frenchmen — Oh, what a nice lady. 

Broncho — Down on you knees, and apologize to her. (Fires shot in the air, 
Frenchmen drop on their knees, just as Cinch, Larry and Tramp run out of R. 2 E). 
What, do I see snakes ? Have I got 'em again ? 

Funny Cop— (Runs in L. U. E). Who fired that shot ? 

Fat Woman runs in from L. U. E. She knocks down Alphonse and Gaston. 

Music. 

Monkey runs out L., and jumps on Frenchmen. All characters appear at back. 
Larry and Tramp run off L. 2 E , followed by Alphonse and Gaston, Broncho, Fat 
Woman, Monkey and Cop in pursuit, a quick and hurry chase in and out of doors, and 
across stage, into booths. At last Alphonse and Gaston, Fat Woman and Monkey, run 
behind Ferris wheel, which revolves. Alphonse and Gaston, Fat Woman and Monkey 
whirled round and round. Broncho down L. , fires at them ; Gladys trying to stop him. 
Widow faints in Cinch's arms, Delia fanning her. Larry appears on top of booth, with 
Tramp, and have fingers to nose. Waiter clutching at men on wheel, as they go 
whirling past him, Automobile on at finish. 

CURTAIN. 



T k 



KAY 12 1902 



1 tOF) 0£l *0 LAT, DJV. 
MAY -j 3 1902 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

016 215 070 4 * 



